Monday, August 29, 2016

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart {winnie the pooh}


Don't ask me where I'll be in five years or what I'll be doing
because I have literally no idea.
If I could have seen where I am now five years ago,
I would have thought I was dreaming.


I just really like enjoying the small things where I am now.
It makes all the difference I find, when you notice good things
and don't focus on the negative.

Like the other morning when I parked my car and saw a rabbit
by this building. How come it lives in town?
What does it do here? What is it eating??
It made me happy to think about a family of rabbits living 
under an abandoned building!


Watching Annie learn to swim.
Honestly she is getting more fun out of this 
than any other thing my kids have done over the last 23 years.
It is unbelievable how happy it makes her
and what a highlight to our week it is.



Now that I have sorted out my work situation
I am LOVING being creative again. Even one row of knitting a day.
It feels so good to be making stuff again.

I'm not saying that I don't have bad days,
or that I don't feel negative sometimes,
but on the whole there are enough little good things sprinkled about
that you know your life is good.


For me, my life is about the little things,
the things other people don't catalogue,
but they are the things that make me truly happy.

I'm grateful. As Winnie the Pooh said...

Weeds are flowers, too, 

once you get to know them.




Thursday, August 25, 2016

Don't settle for comfortable....




Recently I asked a dear friend if they were happy, and they told me they were comfortable! I felt so sad for them because I believe they are short changing themselves. Life is so much more than comfortable. There is so much possibility for us outside of our comfort zones. I'm going to lie, the last two years have been far from comfortable and also far far away from any kind of comfort zone.

Yes I am single, yes my kids live between two houses, yes my budget is f***** but I am loving being responsible for my life. I love that I make myself do things that scare me.


Every time I face a problem head on, I learn a little bit more. Yes I make mistakes, but I pick myself up and carry on. Yes I'm lonely sometimes, but it is making me be more of a social creature!

The thing is that when I was living in my comfort zone, the thought of changing it was crippling. I didn't think I would survive the upheaval to our lives. I did not know how it would be possible to be happy. But it turns out that turning your life upside down, while not fun, is really worth it in the end. I think it is always a good decision to decide to grow in whatever area of your life you feel like you want to.


whether it is your house (why don't you shift?) your relationship (can you fix it? or change it) your education (you are never too old) your fitness (baby steps) you have the power to make the decisions to change it. You just have to be brave enough to actually do it.

Annie drew this picture of a little girl thinking about going to the stars. I now have it as a tattoo because I want to remind myself to keep doing things that scare me, to reach for what seems unattainable and to not settle for just being comfortable!!


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Not Coming Out


In the last eighteen months since I left David, I have had several people ask me if I was coming out as gay. As far as I know I still just like boys, but I guess if I found a girl who loved me, well that would be ok too.

I just don't get why people think they need to know the answer to this question. Do they want to treat me differently because they think I might like girls? Really? Why the hell is it anyone else's business.


I've been growing the dyed part out of my hair back to it's natural colour {grey} and I'm so sick of the process I'm going to cut it all off. But the only thing holding me back was the fact that I'm going to get more of the comments about being a Lesbian. 


And then I realised how ridiculous this is. Why is this even a conversation? Really. The only time it should be a conversation is when your friend falls in love and then you can congratulate them. The rest of the time, we are just people living our lives.


I promise that as soon as I find someone who loves me and I love them back, THAT WILL BE NEWS, and I'll write about it. But in the meantime, let's just try not to push each other into boxes to make ourselves feel more comfortable. OK? ok. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Selfies



It wasn't until I became single, that I really started to take photos of myself. Instead of being someone who supports a partner, I became someone who has to support herself. I take a photo of myself quite often now, especially when the kids aren't there. I think it is because I need to be able to place myself in the picture I have in my head. I need to be able to reflect on where I am and what I am doing.



I am not saying
"look at me" or
"don't I look great/shit" or
"gosh I am amazing/crap".

No not at all.




What I am saying is,
I am here
and I'm not going anywhere, I'm here to stay.
You can choose to like me or not,
I'm still me.




It might seem weird taking photos of myself, but honestly it feels good to finally be putting myself in the picture. I think I will keep on doing it for a while yet. It's a process of learning to feel ok about just being me. Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Renting space in my head....



I can't tell you how good it is to have one day job that I like.
Honestly it makes all the difference.
No longer am I trying to juggle Facebook posts,
deadlines and other people's dramas in my head.
I'm loving it.


It's the brain equivalent of having a tidy house.
Just like a tidy house gives you space to do what you actually want,
having a tidy brain gives me space to be creative.


I feel so much better, it was totally worth the pain.
But reinforces that thing I say over and over,
the pain has to get bad enough for you to make the decision to change.
It's a weird thing, but true,
that we will often stay in a situation that isn't in our best interests,
just because the process of change is too painful for us to contemplate.



But let me tell you, as someone who as been facing those situations
over and over again,
it is always worth it. Change might not but fun,
but change gives us the opportunity to grow.


And who wouldn't want to miss out on growing as a person?
Not me, that's for sure.
It's not that the things we go through are bad or wasted,
they are just steps on the way to something better.

I know for a fact, I'm going to keep on coming against things
that I need to change,
but hopefully every time I do it, I will get braver
and fight against the process a little bit less!

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Wahoo! making changes....


One of the things I have tried to teach my kids is that when you get to the point
where you hate your life, 
you have to change something.
But sometimes the pain has to get bad enough
to make you actually change it.


Recently I had got a bit bogged down with my work,
with three part time jobs, I felt like I was constantly running
and never getting anywhere.

I was talking to my friend Jan and he challenged me to think
about what I actually wanted. 
It was just the kick up the a** that I needed.


I went away and asked for the hours that I needed 
at a rate that would make a difference to me.
He said yes.
So I was able to hand in my notice to my other job
and gradually I'm getting rid of my third job.


It feels so good. I have some space in my head.
And I'm going to put it to good use.
I want to make 12 quilts this year and exhibit them at the end of the year.
I'm really excited about this.
Funny how the pain had to get bad enough for me to change,
but now that the change is almost here,
it feels so good!


Saturday, July 30, 2016

sometimes you let things go and other times you keep right on working on them


I found this unfinished quilt at the opshop recently
it's beautiful and retro and kinda an odd shape. I fully intended to
take the papers out, sew it to a big piece of fabric and call it done.

Let's face it, I've become kind of a pro and finishing things off.


But then I looked in the bag and realised there is actually enough pieces to finish it.
I would just need to add a bit of colour,
and there's no rush, I could quietly work away at it
and slowly finish it off.


So I folded it back up, put all the little papers in a container
and put it in the corner of the living room.
I'll keep my eyes open for some fabrics and finish it off.

You don't have to finish everything off right away,
some things take a lot longer and are sweeter for the time it takes.


Fast projects are awesome, but slow projects are good too.
You know things that you pull out and work on every now and again.
No deadline, just a something growing over time.

You go through stages where you want to give up,
where it all seems to be taking too long with too little results,
but if you hang in there, success of often just around the corner.


Exactly like my life right now.
A work in progress.
As I make peace with being who I am
and what I want from it.


 I'm not aiming for perfection,
I'm aiming to be a continual work in progress
until the day I die.